Living each day as your masterpiece - by Judge Jim Gray

While driving around Newport Beach recently I noticed an automobile that had the word “FLUENT” on its license plate. The more I reflected upon it, the more I thought that this was neat. In fact, I wish I had been able to talk to the owner to ask what the word meant to him or her.

A dictionary would say the word means to flow or to be spoken or written with ease. But to me the word “fluent” means more than that. To me, it means you are living your life at peace with yourself, in a meaningful and gratifying way. Maybe that is not what the owner means, and maybe it would be best that I never find out. Nevertheless, that is what the word means to me.

All of this started me thinking about a quote I saw from two extremely well-known sports figures in one of last week’s newspapers.

The first quote was from Tiger Woods, who announced that he was taking a leave of absence from his sport of golf because “I need to focus my attention on being a better husband, father and person.”

The second was from Johnny Wooden, the famous and highly respected UCLA basketball coach who will be 100 years old on his next birthday, and who said: “Make each day your Masterpiece.”

No one needs any more comments from or about Woods and his sexual escapades. I acknowledge that the pressure upon famous men who are deeply in the public eye must be appreciable when attractive women throw themselves at them sexually. But if people are married, they have made the choice that they will be faithful to their spouse. So this whole subject simply reduces itself to a matter of integrity.

Wooden also was faced with that choice, and he was completely faithful to his wife and best friend for their more than 50 years of marriage before his wife, Nell, passed away. And now he says he can barely wait to rejoin her. So think of what Tiger Woods has been missing!

When asked about who the heroes of my life are, I used to say that I had three: my wonderful father, Gary Bellows, who was a professor I had at the USC Law School, and President John F. Kennedy.

But when I found out about Kennedy’s private life, I removed him from my list. Many celebrities have shown their integrity by resisting the temptation to give in to these sexual advances, including, to my knowledge, Jimmy Stewart and Alan Alda.

Similar to Woods, Kennedy was involved with serial sexual affairs, which is quite a bit worse than what other famous people like Franklin D. Roosevelt, Martin Luther King Jr., and even Guinevere and Lancelot in “Camelot” were involved in. So Kennedy may have done some good things and been a symbol for some other ones, but, in my view, he was a person without integrity.

Therefore, he can no longer be a hero or role model.

That also reminds me of a story I heard about a man named Amazing Johnson. This fellow had lived a long life, but when he saw that his time to leave the Earth was approaching, he told one of his friends that he did not want his name to be placed upon his gravestone because he had been teased enough already.

Instead, he said that he wanted his marker to say: “Here lies a man who was faithful to his wife throughout all of their 57 years of marriage.” When asked why he wanted his gravestone to say that, he responded: “Well, people will walk by, and when they read that comment they will say, ‘My goodness, that’s Amazing!”

Well, it shouldn’t be so amazing. Time is racing onward. In fact, just as I am now finally ready to face the “Y2K Problem,” we are almost into the year 2010.

So we should use this time remaining to us to reflect upon what is important in our lives, and what is not.

Integrity? Certainly. But Wooden gave us some additional assistance that will help us in our reflections about the direction of our lives when he said, “Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming.”

So maybe you will want to join me this New Year’s Eve in reflection, when I ask myself whether I have been a man of integrity, and whether I am achieving success with the short time I have left upon this Earth. In other words, am I fluent? Am I really living my Masterpiece? And do I actually want to lead my life that way? In fact, do you?

If you do, then my New Year’s wish is that your life in the days and years to come may be fluent. Happy New Year!



JAMES P. GRAY is a retired judge of the Orange County Superior Court, the author of Wearing the Robe – the Art and Responsibilities of Judging in Today’s Courts (Square One Press, 2008), and can be contacted at jimpgray@sbcglobal.net or via his website at www.judgejimgray.com .

Choices at twilight time - Judge Jim Gray

A few years before my wonderful mother died, she first told me a story, and then followed it up with a strong request.

The story concerned my nephew, who had lived most of his life until the age of about 16 in the frequent company of his grandmother. But as time went along, his grandmother began to show the symptoms of Alzheimer’s, and that awful disease eventually took her away from us about five years later.

Some time after that, my nephew happened to mention to my mother that he only really remembered his grandmother during the time when she was afflicted with Alzheimer’s, and he did not really recall the good times before that. This affected my mother so much that she made me vow to her that when it appeared that she would be at the end of her life, I was not to allow any of her grandchildren to see her. She deeply wanted them only to remember her as she was, during the good times.

So when that time eventually came, we respected her wishes, and didn’t allow her grandchildren to see her.

This caused me to reflect upon my own experience. When I was about 12 years old my father took me to see one of his aunts who was in bed and dying of cancer. I had previously seen his aunt on several prior occasions, but the only visual memory I have of her to this day was that last visit, when she was weak, pale, and wasting away.

Obviously these are deeply personal matters. But personally, I think my mother was right. I want the lasting memories of me by my grandchildren to be of the good times. Think about it, because you might want the same thing, and want to make the same request my mother did.

Even treading further into private issues, I have personally decided that at the end of my life I wish to have the body I leave behind to be cremated. Therefore, I have pre-arranged and paid for this to be done with the Trident Society, and I carry a card in my wallet setting forth my chosen plan. It even includes an added provision that if I die more than 75 miles from my residence, the program will cause my body to be cremated wherever I left it, and the ashes returned to my family for disposal according to my wishes, which I have already made known to them.

Among other things, this course of action complies with my mother’s belief that “the land is for the living,” so the dead shouldn’t take up space. It also would have the additional benefit of relieving my surviving family and friends from the guilt of not going “often enough” to my gravesite to pay their respects. And it would also take away the situation of having withering and dead flowers on my grave, which I have always seen as sad and depressing. So for all of these reasons, I believe that cremation is the way to go.

And then there is the time that life is drawing to a close. My mother, based upon what she had seen and thought about, also made me promise her that no extraordinary measures would be taken to keep her heart beating, if by doing so she would lose her dignity and quality of life.

This evolved into her view that she didn’t want me to allow any tubes to be used to prolong her life under those conditions. And — bless her heart forever — at the end she was true to her convictions.

Without pressing the case too strongly, because these are some of the most personal things a person can discuss, it is important for all of us to think about and plan for all of these inevitabilities.

Not only is it not morbid to make these plans, it is actually being thoughtful and considerate of your surviving friends and family. Why? Because when the time comes, your loved ones will almost uniformly want to carry out your wishes.

So don’t increase their pain and grief by making them guess what your wishes are. Tell them — but not in your will, because by the time your will is read the decisions will have been made and the actions already taken. Instead, write them out in a “living will” (you can get the forms at stores like Staples), discuss them at the appropriate time with the right people, and even make some of the arrangements yourself. This really is an act of thoughtfulness and kindness.

Finally, I was talking with my wife and children recently about one of my wishes after I have left this earth. That wish is that the first time a good production of “Rigoletto,” “Carmen,” or “Les Miserables” comes to Southern California after my death, I want my estate to purchase good seats for anyone in my family who wants to attend, and also, either before or after the show, I want to host a nice meal at a good restaurant with some nice wine. Then maybe my family might have a good time, and drink a toast in memory of my life.

In response, my wife and others suggested that I should not wait. Instead I should purchase the tickets myself, and I should participate in the happy occasion right along with them. Why? Because life is for the living. They are right, and that is what I am going to do.

So that is my final thought to you in today’s column. Don’t wait until it’s too late. Be sure to make special plans to spend some of your remaining time on this earth enjoying nice occasions with your family and friends.

Because not only is the land for the living, so is life.




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JAMES P. GRAY is a retired judge of the Orange County Superior Court, the author of “Wearing the Robe – the Art and Responsibilities of Judging in Today’s Courts.” He can be contacted at JimPGray@sbcglobal.net or via his website at www.JudgeJimGray.com.

“WHAT TO DO ABOUT GANGS AND POVERTY” - by Judge Jim Gray

“WHAT TO DO ABOUT GANGS AND POVERTY” - by Judge Jim Gray 05/18/08

What should we do about the criminal and antisocial acts and other aberrant behavior of young people in gangs? It’s a tough issue. Law enforcement obviously has its limitations, so instead we need to get to the root of the problems. So what can we do?


  In my view, the best chance for success is to show these young people a better way. Show them that they actually can have a better life by having the security of a good job, the gratification of a strong family life, and increased longevity by leading a healthy lifestyle. Okay, that is probably obvious. But how can we so this in a way that will stick?


  Well by analogy to other problem behaviors, the most successful way to get drug-addicted people on the road to recovery is to partner them up with someone who has “been there” and is a recovering alcoholic or other drug addict. That is one reason why Alcoholics Anonymous has been so successful. And one of the best ways for our young people to see that things like ditching school, shoplifting and smoking marijuana aren’t “cool” is for them to hear that message at Peer Court from their fellow students. These people “speak the same language” as the addicts and juvenile offenders, and don’t accept their rationalizations and excuses.


Similarly, I believe the best way to get gang members to turn away from antisocial behavior is for former gang members who have evolved into a more healthy and productive lifestyle to share their stories, views and personal experiences with the present gang members. Actually this is now occurring in South Los Angeles with a group of former gang members called “The Businessmen.” It is also happening here in Orange County in a program sponsored by the Orange County Bar Foundation called “Shortstop.” These programs use former gang members and others who have been convicted of felonies to show the young people how the way they are going leads nowhere. And these programs are successful.


In fact, the same approach is now being used by our government in places like Iraq and Palestine, where former terrorists try to educate present terrorists about the futility of their actions, and how they are being callously manipulated by extremists along the way. In other words, someone with a common experience and familiarity with the aberrant behavior, whether it be drug addiction, gang involvement or terrorist activity, will have the best chance of communicating effectively with people who are presently stuck in that behavior.


But it takes more than that - it also takes hope. Most people realize that a person without hope is probably the most dangerous person in the world, because a person without hope has nothing to lose. And it is mostly people who don’t know any better and who have no hope that become drug addicted, gang members and terrorists. So how do we help to provide hope to those people?


In that regard, I will pass along to you something I observed when I was in the Peace Corps. Surprisingly enough, most of the merchants in my small town, which was in the southwestern part of Costa Rica, were Chinese. That included the owner of the place where I and the other high school teachers lived. His name was Chunga, and we lived on the second floor of his “Soda Interamericana,” which was the only place in our town large enough to hold a dance. So one day I asked him why most of the merchants in our town happened to be Chinese.


He told me that after the fall of Chiang Kai-shek in China, most of his supporters fled to Taiwan. But many others kept on coming. Some stopped in Hawaii, but others continued to most of the western coasts of North, Central and South America. And that included Costa Rica. And when they came, they brought with them a cultural tradition. 


At about the age of 18 to 20, young men would come to the Elders of the Chinese community and present to them what amounted to a business plan for a proposed business. The Elders would give some suggestions, and then if they decided that the candidate was sincere, able and had a reasonably good plan, they would provide the “seed” money to get the business venture started. (Yes, at least at that time the program was only available for young men.)  


This seed money was not a loan, it was a gift. But there would never be a second opportunity. If the young man was eventually successful, he would have the hope that one day he also could be a member of the Elders, and contribute his own funds to perpetuate the tradition. To him, it was a matter of cultural “face,” or pride. But if he was not successful, he might as well leave town, because the shame he would bring upon himself and his family would make his continued presence in the community hard to bear.


Although to my knowledge no other community in our country has this particular tradition to build upon, why could it not be developed? It works!  


Personally I deeply admire Bill Cosby. At the moment he is taking a lot of flack in the African-American community for speaking the truth. As you know, recently he has been saying that their community is suffering from unacceptable amounts of violence, single-parent families and a general lack of education. Furthermore, he is saying that it is their own responsibility to turn those conditions around. But that effort will be more successful if it also helps to provide some hope to the people who are involved.


Likewise, if our government would change its foreign aid programs to provide small loans to people at the bottom rung of the economic ladder, instead of grants of large amounts of money to the governments of these economically poor countries, much more tangible progress would be made.  


Private organizations do things like this quite successfully today. For example, a group called Oxfam provides small loans to people in poor countries so that they can purchase things like a sewing machine, and thus begin a small business. But Oxfam also ensures that the money is eventually repaid. That promotes personal responsibility. Similarly a group called Heifer International provides farm animals like goats, chickens and cows to families in poor countries, along with an education about how to care for them. These people then have the incentive to take care of the animals, because they can use them for milk, eggs and meat to feed their families. Then eventually the excess food products can be sold to others for the benefit of all. Instead of large amounts of our money ending up in the Swiss bank accounts of corrupt government officials, these much smaller amounts of money actually promote and establish businesses, nutrition and self-sufficiency.


We should learn these lessons, and adopt them to our practices both governmentally and privately, and domestically and abroad. Like all economists say, “Incentives Matter!” And an infusion of positive mentors, incentives and realistic hope will have a meaningful chance of reducing gang and terrorist activity and otherwise changing aberrant behavior, as well as promoting a better, safer and more prosperous world. And, by the way, it will cost a great deal less money than we are now spending.

James P. Gray is a Judge of the Superior Court in California, the author of Why Our Drug Laws Have Failed and What We Can Do About It - A Judicial Indictment of the War on Drugs (Temple University Press, 2001) and Wearing The Robe - The Art And Responsibilities of Judging In Today's Courts, has a blog at http://judgejamesgray.blogspot.com/. http://www.judgejimgray.com, and can be contacted at www.judgejimgray.com.